People with money looking to make even more of it, announced today that they will be remaking/rebooting/retarding that thing you loved from when you were young. Remember that show/movie/band/anything that has a special place in your heart, tucked deep away, untarnished, perfect in your mind, if only in your mind? Well, that’s about to change.
We spoke with Paul Bergers, one of the many producers behind the project, who shed some light on what inspired them to move forward on the remake/reboot/redo/re-up. He explained, “Well, you see, it’s easier than ever to check up on the fan base of a certain show/movie/band/fleeting pop culture blip and this particular blip we’re going to remake is really hot right now! Like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hot! Like Golden Girls hot! You know, hot hot, like somewhere between Saved By The Bell hot and Back To The Future hot. So yea, it’s HOT!”
At this point Paul began laughing, but his laugh quickly developed into a phlegmy cigar cough for which he pulled out a fifty dollar bill to hock a loogie into. After balling the slimy fifty up and tossing it into the trash, he continued.
“Now this is the best part. We took advantage of the aforementioned ‘hotness’ several years ago by spreading anonymous rumors online that a remake/reboot/update/sequel/prequel/postquel was in the works, but of course that wasn’t the case. Then we casually monitored the growing buzz over the following years, amused by all the fan made trailers/posters/t-shirts/hats/theme songs/beer cozies/face tattoos that circulated, until we triple-checked the figures, and finally decided that now was the most lucrative time to put the minimal amount of effort into a sure fire hit.”
The release date for the yet unscouted/uncast/unwritten/unrealized/unnecessary remake/reboot/sequel/reprise/redux/retread/redundancy is set for two years from now, but only as long as people still seem to care. Will it be any good? Probably not, due to the fact that when most of the things you love came out, especially when you were young, they were relevant for the time, and therefore worked as successful, however unpolished, cultural milestones. And despite how rough or awkward the originals may have been, this only added to their charm, a charm that is certainly impossible to recreate or recapture and should be left alone. But worst case scenario, if the remake/reboot is bad, and you know it’s gonna be, sales of the original version will skyrocket making people who are not you that much richer.
-Jason M, Fofun News, Dec 2012