Having never been nominated for an Oscar, Scarlett Johansson, in a recent interview with Stuff That Doesn’t Matter magazine, spoke about her plans to take on more challenging roles in order to expand her body of work, and possibly appeal to The Academy.

When asked what role she would now predominately seek out, she said, “An ugly person. Or, maybe just someone who’s slightly less cute than the rest of the characters in the film. Hell, I’d even do a scene where I had to wear an ill-fitting sweatshirt if it meant serious consideration from The Academy.”

This wouldn’t be Scarlett’s first time attempting to broaden her work. In 2006, she starred in Woody Allen’s comedy “Scoop”, where she played a journalism student investigating a murder with the help of a ghost. Looking back, she recalled, “I really thought I was a shoe-in for an Oscar nomination. I was working with an Oscar winning director, a great cast, ghosts and I even wore glasses to look bookish and disarmingly awkward, yet intelligent and approachable. Sometimes actors just need to make bold artistic choices.”

But in hindsight, it seems the glasses may not have been enough. She continued, “…I guess there still was that whole red bathing suit scene. Damn I looked good, probably too good. I knew that would come back to haunt me!”

She went on to say that despite this, she’s not one to have regrets, and is looking forward to her future work. When asked if she would consider shaving her head for a role or if she’d play someone handicapped, she replied, “The script would have to be really solid. Like, there’d have to be at least 7 or 8 tracking shots of my ass.”  

-Jason M, Fofun News, Feb 2013

This week, in the wake of the Manti Te’o fake girlfriend scandal, local nerd Brian felt he too should finally come clean about his 15 year relationship with a “Niagara-Falls-area” girl.

“It’s just something you say so people don’t think you’re a loser, ya know?,” Brian explained fighting back tears, “but then the lie grows, and before you know it I had created this whole backstory about this pretty girl named Cecily, who had red hair and loved waterfalls. Hell, I even started to believe it a little. Truth be told, I’ve never even been to Niagara Falls. I’ve never even talked to a girl. Like ever.”

But Brian’s admission has been met with little or no reaction from his family and peers, much to Brian’s chagrin. “Yea, nobody even cares. Sure they think I’m a loser, but they thought that anyway. I guess you gotta be a jock for anyone to really give a crap. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting up with some friends. We’re going to this huge party that’s supposed to have some cute girls. I’m gonna try to get over my shyness. Hello new me!”

Unbeknownst to Brian, we followed him home that night and quickly learned that when he said he was “…going to a party with friends and cute girls”, what he really meant was “sitting on his couch watching anime porn with various collectible action figures.”  

-Jason M, Fofun News, Jan 2013

In the past week, over 300 identity theft cases have been reported in the US alone, spurring increased concern and demand for stricter security when dealing with bank account and credit card information. But some victims don’t really mind all that much.

Steve Grandon, a single, 38 year-old part time Ebay seller, who’s been procrastinating about taking that real estate certification class, had his identity stolen and within hours had more than forty large purchases made in his name. When asked about the purchases the criminal made, including a speed boat, Steve replied, “He bought a boat? With my card? Wow. Like a whole boat? Man, I would have never just gone and bought a boat. That’s pretty awesome. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I need a boat.”

Emily Brubaker, 20, a student at her local community college, and yet undeclared, had this to say about the person making purchases on her credit line. “Honestly? I think it’s better this way. I mean I don’t know what I want right now. I was a Goth girl throughout high school, and then within the first week here I made out with two frat brothers from a rival college and became team captain of my coed Frolf team. Believe me, the money is better off in someone else’s hands! I’d probably just use it to buy Sephora make-up, coke, and Jack Johnson CDs.”

Patchouli, 34, a security guard at the aforementioned community college, as well as one of it’s graduates, had his identity stolen only eight days ago, and it has been reported that his name has shown up all around the world, booking high-end hotels and partying at exclusive tropical beach clubs. “It’s kind of exciting! To think that someone out there posing as me is partying on yachts and hopping from continent to continent living it up! I feel like a secret agent! Except I’m the decoy agent that stays at home and does nothing.”

Mary Dole, a 29, unemployed virgin, and recent relationship dumpee, left her wallet on the subway on her way home alone from a singles mixer. An entire vacation in the Cayman Islands was charged to her card, including para sailing, rock climbing, and scuba diving, as well as an engraved engagement ring. Mary could not be reached for comment.

One incarcerated identity thief commented briefly about these crimes saying, “What we do might be wrong, but come on! If we don’t live those people’s lives for them, who will?” He is scheduled for lethal injection Monday.

In order to combat cyber theft, new government funded programs in the form of soul-searching retreats, character-building seminars, and power animal support groups are being proposed in order to help increase people’s confidence and self-worth so that they might be more motivated to protect their own identities from theft.

-Jason M, Fofun News

In a Canadian Census Flash Poll taken just 15 minutes ago, results indicate that the population of Canada has remained steady, showing no increase from this time yesterday, and more specifically, no influx of disgruntled hyperbolic American voters.

Post election, it seems that it’s apparently much simpler to just post ”FML” on one’s Facebook page, or to vaguely hint at “future assassination attempts” like a dickless rat-faced coward, rather than applying for citizenship elsewhere and uprooting one’s entire existence all while adapting to the metric system, just to prove a point. 

We will keep a close eye on this story as people get over it and life continues on as normal.

-Jason M, Fofun News, Nov 2012

At 4:00 pm this afternoon New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that after much post Hurricane Sandy deliberation, Mischief Night 2012 has been officially cancelled. Mr. Cuomo addressed the media shortly after adjourning a 3 hour meeting with some of the city’s douchiest teens to discuss the proper course of action.

“I regretfully announce that due to the massive amounts of damage already besieged upon the city of New York, including overturned trash cans, smashed jack-o-lanterns, and renegade toilet paper rolls from destroyed bodegas, it is my decision, as well as the decision of Dirk Tanners, Teen Representative of the Borough of Manhattan, Tad Feltchman, Teen Representative of Queens, Biff Dickkers, Teen Representative of Brooklyn, Dennis T. Menàce Teen Representative of The Bronx, and the Benders Twins, Judd and Goose, Teen Representatives of Staten Island, that this year Mischief Night be cancelled.”

Since the announcement, thousands have taken to Twitter and Facebook protesting the decision, claiming that they are more than willing to set their trash cans back up, place their indoor jack-o-lanterns outside for smashing, and leave the extra cartons of eggs they bought because of the storm and didn’t use on their front porches, if it means saving Mischief Night, utilizing such twitter hashtags as #SaveMischiefNight, #StillGonnaSmashSumthing, #FuckUSandy, and #ObamasTrying2TakeAwayOurRightToCauseMischief.

So far no reports of Mischief Night activities have been reported, but then again how would we know anyway?

-Jason M, Fofun News, Oct 2012

Dr. Loomis talks to a forensic artist.

CLICK HERE for Hi-RES View

This week brought us news of the iPhone 5 and it’s September 21st release date. Pre orders have exceeded expectations, possibly even pushing the release date back to meet the demand.

But this comes as even worse news for the victims of a slew of strange, and bizarre cellular phone mishaps leaving millions phone-less. We spoke with some of the victims around New York City to try and make some sense of the tragic happenstance.

“Uh, well, I did a load of laundry and I forgot to check my pockets. It sucks because I had this really rare baseball card in there,” explained BARRY NIGHT, a Toll Booth Operator. “Oh yea, and right before I started the wash cycle, I dropped my phone in the washing machine. I’m usually more careful than that.”

EVELYN GASBERO, of Astoria Queens, says a bird was responsible for her phone loss on Tuesday as well. “I was in the park, throwing bread to the birds, when I accidentally threw my cell phone instead. Next thing you know, that bird flew off with my phone. Don’t you hate when that happens? When you confuse your phone for bread? There really should be a label or something.”

DENNIS GALE says his phone was destroyed in a freak mosquito killing accident. “So this mosquito right, landed on my phone, right, and I had this hammer, right…and yea, I got the mosquito.” 

During our street interviews, a homeless man by the name of DALE SOMERSBY, having overheard us asking questions about cell phones, approached us brandishing an iPhone 4, proudly holding it up for us to see. “A bird gave it to me! Go ahead, ask me about it! I’ll let you hold it if you want!”

Oddly, after we inquired if he was at all interested in one day owning an iPhone 5, the color washed away from his face. “There’s an iPhone 5?!”, he exclaimed angrily, after which he immediately slammed the iPhone 4 at our feet, yelling, “Worthless piece of sh*t!!”

Experts are unsure whether or not these cell phone mishaps will slow, and are urging everyone to be extra careful when handling their current pieces of sh*t.

-Jason M, Fofun News, Sept 2012