In the past week, over 300 identity theft cases have been reported in the US alone, spurring increased concern and demand for stricter security when dealing with bank account and credit card information. But some victims don’t really mind all that much.
Steve Grandon, a single, 38 year-old part time Ebay seller, who’s been procrastinating about taking that real estate certification class, had his identity stolen and within hours had more than forty large purchases made in his name. When asked about the purchases the criminal made, including a speed boat, Steve replied, “He bought a boat? With my card? Wow. Like a whole boat? Man, I would have never just gone and bought a boat. That’s pretty awesome. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I need a boat.”
Emily Brubaker, 20, a student at her local community college, and yet undeclared, had this to say about the person making purchases on her credit line. “Honestly? I think it’s better this way. I mean I don’t know what I want right now. I was a Goth girl throughout high school, and then within the first week here I made out with two frat brothers from a rival college and became team captain of my coed Frolf team. Believe me, the money is better off in someone else’s hands! I’d probably just use it to buy Sephora make-up, coke, and Jack Johnson CDs.”
Patchouli, 34, a security guard at the aforementioned community college, as well as one of it’s graduates, had his identity stolen only eight days ago, and it has been reported that his name has shown up all around the world, booking high-end hotels and partying at exclusive tropical beach clubs. “It’s kind of exciting! To think that someone out there posing as me is partying on yachts and hopping from continent to continent living it up! I feel like a secret agent! Except I’m the decoy agent that stays at home and does nothing.”
Mary Dole, a 29, unemployed virgin, and recent relationship dumpee, left her wallet on the subway on her way home alone from a singles mixer. An entire vacation in the Cayman Islands was charged to her card, including para sailing, rock climbing, and scuba diving, as well as an engraved engagement ring. Mary could not be reached for comment.
One incarcerated identity thief commented briefly about these crimes saying, “What we do might be wrong, but come on! If we don’t live those people’s lives for them, who will?” He is scheduled for lethal injection Monday.
In order to combat cyber theft, new government funded programs in the form of soul-searching retreats, character-building seminars, and power animal support groups are being proposed in order to help increase people’s confidence and self-worth so that they might be more motivated to protect their own identities from theft.
-Jason M, Fofun News